My Windows Of The Soul

It's been said that the eyes are the windows of the soul. Have you ever gazed into someone's eyes and instantly knew something about that person? What would we do without eyes? But for many who suffer from a corneal disease, looking out of our optical portal isn't such a beautiful sight.

For many years I have suffered with an eye condition known as bullous keratopathy, a decompensation of the cornea. Just saying that condition conjures up visions of villians to me. It wasn't the swelling or the loss of vision that consumed me but the blisters which would form on my cornea. When these blisters would rupture, leaving corneal nerves exposed, I would be in such excruciating pain. I would literally crawl up into a ball and cry. For those who may not know, the cornea is the clear lens that covers the eye. When a cornea is damaged things will be seen distorted. And this not only affected me but my son, who was young at the time and felt so helpless.

I had suffered from this dreaded corneal disease since around 1992, but it didn't become severe until around the year 2000. I have lost count on how many eye doctors and corneal specialists I have seen. But one thing I do remember is the way each and every one of them acted the first time they looked into my eye. Most of them had never seen anything like it and couldn't even begin to tell me what was wrong. Some would look and then leave the room only to return with others who were curious to take a peek. I very much felt like I was on display.

This condition not only affected my eye but every aspect of my life. I was so scared that I might go blind that I would sometimes cry myself to sleep and became a bit depressed. My husband (who is now my ex), often accompanied me to many of my appointments and had the opportunity to look for himself at what others thought was bizarre. He told me it looked as if my cornea had been sandblasted. And although he knew firsthand the damage that was taking place, he was not supportive. When I couldn't play tennis with him anymore, although I tried, he would yell at me and tell me I just didn't want to spend time with him. Truth of the matter was I was dealing with a multitude of floaters, and that interfered in my vision as well.

Different procedures were tried before my corneal transplant was decided. For years I wore a contact lens as a bandage in hopes that this would help my cornea fill in and heal. Every three to four weeks I would once again be back at the eye doctor to have the old contact removed and replaced with a new one.

I was referred to my last corneal specialist after an appointment with a navy eye doctor in Newport, RI.. This was around the time when my eye condition became so severe that I could no longer work. I was lucky as the person that I worked for, at the time, had corneal transplants in both eyes and was very understanding when I was going through all this.

This last corneal specialist was a godsend. For the first time, in so many years, I finally was diagnosed and actually could put a name to what I was dealing with. I was the second worst case this specialist had ever seen in his career. First place went to a woman who had what I had, only she had it in both eyes. Since this condition is usually found in both eyes, there is a possibility that it could happen to me down the line.

Since the contact lens bandage didn't work, the next step was using a scalpel to remove the first layer of the cornea in hopes that it would grow back normal. Didn't work. Laser was used next taking off the first layer of the cornea. That didn't work either. So a corneal transplant was decided.

There are more than 40,000 corneal transplants performed each year. Of all the transplant surgery such as heart, lung and kidney, corneal transplants are the most successful. The surgery is done on an outpatient basis. Either local or general anestesia is used, so I was awake for the procedure. I remember everything and was in no pain. My diseased cornea was removed, and a clear donor cornea was sewn into place with 16 sutures. The procedure took about an hour.

A special gift was given to me on that day. And that gift was from a corneal donor. This person left this world completing his last unselfish task. He gave to me something no one else has ever given to me before, a genuine part of himself. And an opportunity for me to have a better quality of life.

You cannot be given names, but other information is availabe about your donor from your doctor. And although I was aware of this, I was hesitant, but always curious. When I decided to write about my corneal transplant, I knew I needed to find out about the most important part of it all. I needed to find out about my donor.

When I received the envelope with the return address from my corneal specialist, I knew what was inside. And at that moment I was filled with more emotions than I ever dreamed I would be. I was actually a bit scared to open it. For I knew that once I read it, my corneal donor would then transform from being just a donor to a real person. And that person would always be a part of me.

My donor was a 23 year old man who died in an automobile accident four days before my corneal transplant. It makes me sad to think that, while he was being put to rest, I was being given the chance to live my life without pain. I will never have the opportunity to thank him personally, but what I can do is never take for granted the gift he left behind.

I was never an organ donor and I never endorsed it. Someone who I never knew and who gave so unconditionally to me has changed my outlook on this. I am now an organ donor, and if you are not already please consider it. It's the most important gift you will ever give. It truly is the gift of life.

(c) Cheryl Wright 2007